01 Apr 09 Potty Training

There is a lot of poo in this story. I’m just sayin’….

I have the brilliant idea to potty train my son, Aricin. This is in response to him saying, “Poop!” when a) he has pooped or b) needs to poop. This is also because I am tired of watching him come up the stairs without a diaper on, a little poo smear on his bottom, and then finding the little treasure he left in the basement. The boy can’t stand having it touch his booty.

So I decide to try. I buy the potty. I talk it up. I try to make it sound like it’s the greatest thing in the world (while inside, I am silently dreading it, because potty training my daughter Riley was a nightmare). And I go the ultimate, brave, step: I leave the diaper off. I proceed to run around after Nakey Cheeks all morning. He thinks this is great fun, and dertles all over the house (dertle-dertle-dertle).

Then it goes down: Kael fills his diaper (I have two sons, 13 months apart, and the story is mostly about Aricin, the eldest. There is also Riley, why do I have so many children?)

Of course, I have to stop chasing Nakey Cheeks to change Kael’s diaper. But I keep him in line of site, because he’s sneaky.

As I look down, (for one second!) I hear a “pssssssssssss”, only to look up as Aricin says “Uh oh!” as he pees on the dresser. (Just like a man – marking his territory). I exclaim “No, no!”

Nakey Cheeks runs off.

I finish quickly with poopy diaper on Kael, and move quickly to clean the dresser. Nakey Cheeks moves stealthily into my closet.

As I quickly wipe up the pee on the dresser, I hear grunting from the closet. In slow motion, like a scene out of the Matrix, I turn to see Nakey Cheeks squatting and grunting in my closet! I know what is about to go down. I yell, (still in slow motion) “poootttyyyy!” and in one desperate motion cross to the closet, pick him up and swing him towards the potty.

As I am swinging, a piece of poo goes flying out of Nakey Cheeks and flies across the room, rolls across the carpet, and comes to a stop in the corner.

I give up. I’m outmanned, outclassed, and outgunned.

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Tags: Booty, Brave Step, Brilliant Idea, Carpet, Cheeks, Flies, Funny Emails, Funny Family Stories, Funny Potty Training, Greatest Thing In The World, Little Treasure, Matrix, Nightmare, Pee, Poo, Potty Train, Potty Training, Potty Training Stories, Slow Motion, Stairs

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10 Mar 09 Ensuring Good Taxi Karma

In a previous life, I worked as a phone operator at a taxi firm. Although it’s a job I would normally only recommend to the saintly, desperate or insane (As a second-year university student I counted as at least two of these), it does give one an insight as to why most people have so many bad experiences waiting for taxis.

As a taxi phone-jockey, you spend a good portion of your night explaining to people why their cabs apparently did not show up when demanded. The truth is, in most cases, the taxi either did or tried its best to, but either gave up due to a lack of information or showed up to an empty driveway and opted to pick up a far more tempting fare down the road.
Such mishaps can be easily avoided if you develop a few simple habits.

First of all, always know the address of your location in full. Yes, this even applies if you live there; you’d be surprised how many people have never bothered to learn their own address. Many people don’t bother because many taxi firms use technology that attaches addresses to numbers as they’re dialed in; this is true, but is not always the most reliable method. It’s very easy for the wrong address to be assigned to the wrong number, and many numbers either take a long time to have the relevant address added, or are blocked for one reason or another. In short, don’t use technology as an excuse for not gathering the right information; as with most other cases, it has a nasty habit of letting you down just when you need it the most.

Likewise, if you’re calling from a place that isn’t your own home you have even less excuse; if you don’t know where you are, how do expect someone at an entirely different location to? Always check the address, and if you’re at another person’s house make sure you get the full address (Party tip: Hosts, leaving a note or label with the house’s address and taxi company number avoids a lot of headaches!)

Why provide the address or location in as much detail as possible? Because a scant or vaguely worded address not only makes life difficult for the operator passing them on, but for the driver whose job it is to find the place. Taxi drivers earn fare-to-fare, so if given the choice between a vague description and a clearly-addressed customer in the same area… Well, which one would YOU pick up?

Also, be sure to look out for the driver when he arrives, because they very rarely wait around when other work might be available (This is especially true of Friday and Saturday nights, when fares are dime-a-dozen) You don’t need to wait out in the middle of the road, or on darkened street corners; on the porch, by the window, just be sure to park yourself where you will see the cab arrive. When it does, get in or attract the driver’s attention as quickly as is reasonable; again, they want to know they have a fare waiting for them, and will not hang around in the hope that they get noticed.

If you follow these simple principles, you’ll find your general karma with taxis improving tenfold. To be safe, the best option is to have the taxi company’s phone number and your address in plain view, as near to the phone as possible, because the more information you can give them, the quicker they can serve you.

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Tags: Cabs, Excuse, Headaches, Hosts, How Many People, Insight, Karma, Mishaps, Nasty Habit, Party Tip, Phone Jockey, Phone Operator, Previous Life, Relevant Address, Taxi Company, Taxi Firm, Taxi Firms, Taxis, Use Technology, Wrong Address, Wrong Number

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26 Feb 09 No More Waiting to Work Out with Weights

First things first, as with any exercise program, check with your doctor to get the okay to work out with weights. It will probably make them very happy to know that you are considering it.
Aerobic exercise, like running or riding a bike, makes your muscles use oxygen more efficiently and strengthens your heart and lungs. When you train with weights, you’re using your muscles to work against extra pounds, which strengthen and increase the amount of muscle mass in your body by making your muscles work harder.
Working out with weights is a quick way to stay fit. For only 20 minutes, three times per week you will be able to see and feel improvement. Weight training can either be done at a gym or in your home. And whenever you begin a new exercise program, start out slowly so your body gets used to the increase in activity.
Before you start pumping iron (yeah, that’s what it is), warm up your muscles by taking 5–10 minutes on a stationary bicycle, treadmill, or a brisk walk around the block. And then after your workout, cool down by stretching to keep your muscles flexible.
There are typically two different kinds of weight training; free weights, which include barbells, dumbbells, and hand weights, and then a variety of weight machines. Free weights usually work one group of muscles at the same time, and weight machines isolate and work on a specific muscle. Also, resistance bands can be used, or even your own body weight, as in pushups, sit-ups, and squats to increase strength.
For a home workout, you can use a universal machine, which can be purchased at most sporting goods stores or online, that will allow you to do a complete work out without needing too much space for equipment.
If you are going to go to a gym for your weight training, there are many available that are affordable, and you can get expert advice there about a training schedule and instruction on their specific equipment use, such as, exactly how much weight to use and for how long.
If you are just beginning your new routine, most fitness experts recommend training three sessions a week, from 20 minutes to one hour, which includes your warm-up and cool-down periods. And you should allow at least one day off between workouts.
As with any exercise program, don’t forget to drink enough water, so you don’t build up lactic acid, as your fat cells get broken down, which will lead to aches in your muscles.
Your diet of course, comes into play when you use weights. Eliminate junk food and decrease your carbohydrates and fats. Increase fiber, protein, minerals and vitamins.

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Tags: Aerobic Exercise, Brisk Walk, Different Kinds, Dumbbells, Exercise Program, Free Weights, Hand Weights, Home Workout, Muscle Mass, Muscles, Pumping Iron, Resistance Bands, Specific Equipment, Sporting Goods Stores, Squats, Stationary Bicycle, Stretching Muscles, Treadmill, Universal Machine, Weight Training, Working Out With Weights

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01 Apr 09 Potty Training

10 Mar 09 Ensuring Good Taxi Karma

26 Feb 09 No More Waiting to Work Out with Weights

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